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One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.