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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.