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ME: finally a program for me
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No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.