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ME: finally a program for me
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth