Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Always 🥴
New Tinder profile.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Did my cat write this
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
