Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.