Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

🫶

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.