Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?