Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
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I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Hey i am sexy to you now
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Spotted in the wild
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”