Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
🎵 I can’t wait to
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind