Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.