GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
You Might Also Like
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When I laugh on my period
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.