GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I’ve had worse
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.