Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
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a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
