Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee