Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.