Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.