Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

All. The. Damn. Time.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.