Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

I put the hot in psychotic.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Lucky old June.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.