Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Cha-ching is my safe word

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second