Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

LOL!

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.