Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
happy valentine’s day to me
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”