Gym Rat: Bro, I realize chalk helps you grip the bar, but did you really have to cover your whole body in it?

Me, swallowing another powdered donut: Chalk?

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Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.


Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.


*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.


“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”


me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back


Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place


I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…


A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.


Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.