One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
yeah 😭
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I think this should do it.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?