Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.