Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Don’t tell me what to do

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards