Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

my astrological sign is a french fry

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly