Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.