Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

ㅤ

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in