Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”