Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

wishing you and yours all the best

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses