[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
this independent good boy don’t need no human
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.