Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham