Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

Good morning

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow