Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.