Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born