GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Every time my phone rings
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid