Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

This story is comedy gold 😂

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

The pointless tidy up before a play date.