Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go gym

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

O Wise One….

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA