Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

grandparents are too precious for this world

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.