Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

notice

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

I feel it

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.