[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
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Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“What?”
– Jude
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin