Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.