[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
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What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
We will use anything but the metric system
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My humor is broken
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?