[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
You Might Also Like
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair