Not all heroes wear capes…
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job