Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
You Might Also Like
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
As per my previous tablet…
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby