Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…