Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton