Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Every haunted house movie:
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Terribly Tuesday.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.