Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Put the is in disheveled
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”