Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator