[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭