[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.