Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Very good news from my accountant
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned