Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.