Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.