H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
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“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Not messing around
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
sistine chapel
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?