H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?