H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days


My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT


Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.


I was really moved by The Great Gatsby. Specifically, to the theater showing Iron Man 3.


don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler


[my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy


The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.


Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.


I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now