H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
You Might Also Like
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
omg leave her alone
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me buying fruit and veg
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok