Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.