H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
is nasa ok
Tell me you get it…🤣
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
okay run it by me one more time
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that