Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

when u come home smelling like another dog

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!