Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unimpressed

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”