Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff