Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM