H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.