Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

The chart results are in…

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult